Office Parties- IT sales wise

Despite being on what is now being referred to as "a Solaris sabbatical" I was duly invited to my ex-company's Xmas party, by three different people.

Being of sound mind and body I turned down all invites, but would like to share some pointers for my friends who still make 80 dials a day and three hours "talk time" about what is and is not expected of them at the Christmas party.

1. You will get two drink tickets. Use one upon arrival to get away from whoever you were almost seated beside. Wait in the bar line until someone interesting has an opening at/ near their table.
2. Who to sit with- in descending order of importance: the hottest woman at work, the hottest woman who would possibly sleep with you, the wait staff, the person who could most possibly advance your career, non-drinkers who will give you their drink tickets, your team members (if your manager is not amongst them), your spouse (if any), leave now if you have gotten this far down the list.
3. Tip well while using your drink tickets- this will certainly lead into doing shots with the bartender later as he/she was planning on charging a few extra bottles to the company, anyway, regardless of the drink ticket system.
4. The event will be non-smoking- plan which courses you will eat and which you will spend chain smoking and getting pissed in the lobby/adjoining smoker friendly event.
5. As an IT sales person you are expected to do three things: golf, drink and coke. This is your chance to do a rail with a VP of Sales- loiter around the washrooms sniffing and look extremely focused.
6. Despite being expected to drink you are not to get overly drunk. The acceptable level of inebriation is tied directly to your monthly sales figures. $40,000 GP+ you should barely be standing. $10 K- slight slurring is too much.- $5K= do you still work here?
7. Dancing- really, most of you men shouldn't. Either you are too good from hanging out in dance clubs all weekend or you've been a complete geek all your life. Being too good is death at the office party. Those less rhythmic will spread rumours about your sexual orientation. Women- go for it- especially if you are hot. You can even do that Laika thing where you dance with other hot women and give each other smoldering glances that drive men crazy.
   
8. Swag, Freebies, prizes- how long to stay for the drawing? Do you really need another wireless keyboard? Really, what are the chances that you will win the 72" flat screen TV? Where would you fit it in your parent's basement? If your ride back from Anjou is leaving, leave.
   

And, most importantly, do not talk about anything except work. Everyone you work with is your enemy. They want your accounts, they want your cubicle, they may even covet your monitor. Do not empower them with any information about your personal life. You should appear to be entirely dependent on your company for your personality- capable, driven and personable. You have no family, no history and interest outside of IT and sales.

Smile- you might get a bonus this year. And happy New Year.