We have made this

I wept like a child last night. Pardon the cliché, but it is true. Long deep shaking sobs washing over me like a balm.

All she had said was "I wish I'd met your parents."

The sense of loss is still there- I am just getting better at ignoring it, at pretending I am fine. At being the walking wounded.

I've been putting on a good show. I had myself believing it to the point I was actually thinking about starting to date again.

Whenever I thought about trying to win her back I used to remember just one thing she said before she left.

"I would go to the bathroom to cry."

I never want to hurt anyone like that ever again. Especially her. She is my kindred and my best friend.

But when I see her and we both openly admit we are still deeply in love with one another- and still find our lives meshing, our dreams meshing- how do we go on? Or how do we walk away?

Her friend spelled out her dilemma in mathematics- at the age of 22 she had been with me for 2 years, a tenth of her whole life. A fifth of her teen and adult life- therefore it is normal for her to feel residual emotions for me. To be bound.

But that doesn't explain it for me. I can't shrug this off like I used to. I've left relationships like this with barely a look back. I've been left before and not been in knots about it. I don't know this and it is debilitating.

I love her more than I ever imagined I would ever love anyone in my life. And I wept because we made a complete mess of it. Both of us; a total fucking mess. But the bits of this thing won't die- the tendrils are far into us and writhing about.

May's notebook

I've fallen so far.

The Spring rains in Montreal remind me of the Maritimes. All year, actually, I think I feel closer to the Earth than most of the people I know. I understand its power. Living on the edge of the continent is a blessing. Being born there is a boon to be treasured. I feel the power of the wind, the sweet kiss of the rain- the enormity of the sky, the throb of the earth beneath my feet-
-and I am humbled. The things we have wrought are a monument not just to human ingenuity, but to the planet itself. We've wrought mighty works from the crust of our world and it is not all bad.

Can I kill the pigeons in the back quad? Please? Not with poison or anything dangerous to our cat but with a pellet gun or marbles and a slingshot. They are the rats of the sky and I think they are making a nest under our barbeque.

Outremont Welcome kit- things I did not get:

1. a German compact car
2. a dog to walk around and be seen with
3. a young wife with two kids, one in a stroller- the other on a tricycle
   
4. a set of horrible plaid shorts, socks and sandals at the same time.
5. grandparents who come over on Sundays and drink beer on the patio

Saying you are going to do something is a great motivator to actually doing it. Especially when you tell everyone you meet.

Women from New York know how to stand with their shoulders back, breasts out and chin up. It is remarkable to contrast them with their Montreal friends- standing side by side at a party. Who are invariably hunching their shoulders for some reason...

If there are a dozen pigeons now I assume they are six mated pairs- who can lay 2 eggs every 60 days, so by June there will be 24, by September there will be 48- and if it is warm, by December first there will be 96...

Teen age boys in Saudi Arabia call women "MBO's"- Moving Black Objects, because of the prevelance of the burqa in their society. Some sociologists believe these men are missing the civilizing female influence in their formative years because of the lack of casual, every-day contact with women- making them more susceptible to extremism and violence.

Can I really date a woman who is a horrible dancer? Despite everything else we have in common? I mean not horrible, just unexpressive... I felt bad for her. I even reigned it in a notch or two even though I was on fire- having a blast.

Possible book title- You, Kirk and I- how Geeks ruin relationships.

random erotic dreams

Am in a hallway with a petite woman- short blonde bob, we are both medical school students, she is wearing a sleek and tight fitting sweater. You can watch her small breasts raising and falling as I am leaning over her. No makeup- but her lips are warm and inviting. I hover an inch over them- she's clutching a text book- but not in front of her- both her hands are behind her- it is almost as if she is pinning herself against the wall.

We are talking about something- an upcoming exam- a social event we will both be at. She springs forward the last inch by pushing against the wall. The text clatters to the ground, her hands in my hair. Her palms are damp and she's breathing fast and quick.

I'm panicked about being seen but my anxiety is just encouraging her. There's a study room down the hall and she leads me there saying something horribly cliché like a 70's porn,

I think it's great.

Hoisted by my own petard

And- un-BAM- with the 240+ hits I've gotten in the past few days on my tattoo question- I realize I might be missing out on the insights that I am looking for. And generally, I am missing the debate and the witty rapporte with the readers.

Okay- I won't come to your blogs calling you whiny, sniveling Web 2.0 nerds if you don't come over here calling me a degenerate, crunkhead misogynist- deal?

Besides, I'll be moderating the comments ;)

Yes- it hurts

Ok- I had promised that there would be no more song lyrics- so I guess I'll actually have to write something here instead of continuing to break numerous copyright laws.

I had my monthly visit from my ex this week as she was in the midst of what appears to be a break up or a failed fling. She was a bit distraught, a bit drunk and a bit missing me. And a bit down on herself for the way her life's been going these past months.

And yes, I do realize that not all things have to do with me or with our break up.

So we talked and cried and had breakfast the next day and she left smiling and I felt good that we could communicate without hurting each other- even though she told me some things that she had done during our relationship that would have hurt me before- they only stunned me this time.

(I had suspected.)

So I guess I'm getting emotionally ready to move on and away from this and still keep my best friend in some way. That huge sense of loss I felt here is down to a size I can deal with a lot better.

Hump day

Ok- if I believed in reincarnation I would want to come back as Jessica Alba's silk jumper- shown here in this fashion spread at men.style.com.

What Jessica Alba has to do with men's fashion is beyond me, but it will certainly increase their page load count today.

Today on Facebook

I realized that I have been using the same email, cut and pasted and slightly altered for two months now when people I have not seen or heard of in years add me as their friend. There's three paragraphs detailing the last 6 months, the last 4 years, and then the last ten years.

I don't know what I will do if someone I haven't talked to in 15 years adds me- I think I would just reject the offer.

But today a guy who used to live with me three years ago basically sent me his form "Hey, how you doing-" I sent my 4 year response to him, and he sent back another one with a link to his MySpace page and his music...

So, our form emails are keeping in touch with one and another. I'm going to ping our mutual friends and see if my suspicions are correct or not, or if I am the only evil one using form replies on facebook!

Three squares and a beer, please

I'm a bit happy with myself this evening- I have prepared and ate three full meals today, at almost their habitual times, went to one job interview, sent out ten more resumes, and am now going to have my one and only drink of the night before doing my ironing.

And no one got hurt at all.

Except that cow that I got the steak from I think.

And I guess there was a pig involved in the morning ham- and there might have been some chicken discomfort involved in producing those two eggs... but you get the idea.

Travel, like youth, is wasted on the young

Hi Katie,

By the time you get this, we will have returned from our trip & Varanasi will be the furthest thing from my mind! But while it is still fresh in my memory & experience, I thought Id send this off to you. What an amazing city- centered around death and cremation rituals, yet teeming with life in every nick(sic) & cranny. Between the heat & the hastling (sic), it is often a bit too much, but I still find myself developing an inexplicable love for the place. I feel like there is a secret, a mystery to be contemplated around every corner. Perhaps the 40 degree+ is making me a bit sentimental...lots of love,

Sarah

From a found postcard in my new flat.

and BAM!

Comments off- I didn't start blogging so I could be accused of this, that or the other thing and I certainly don't feel like having my sense of humour put on trial at all hours of the day, for days on end- so- feel free to email me, but honestly- go write your own things.

And my second post was a killer, too

Entitled "A Bit of Melancholy" I was in the midst of a three or four month fling with a half Thai/Chinese girl at work that I should not have been- I adored her but didn't love her- I was still sleeping with my ex at that point, too- from Halifax... and this German girl called Inge... God- the things we do to ourselves emotionally sometimes...

**short IM with someone I'm dating**
Tenacious J: we have the most bizarre IM conversations...
I'm flying to the moon & back: what makes you say that?
Tenacious J: they are way more bizarre than our actual conversations
I'm flying to the moon & back: we don't talk much when we're together
Tenacious J: how does that make you feel?
I'm flying to the moon & back: LOL I think we're too busy groping each other
Tenacious J: :) no, seriously
I'm flying to the moon & back: I'm not good talking about my feelings :)
Tenacious J: I am when I want to...

God- suddenly I'm depressed...

Yeah, ditto.

First post- from May. 2004

Bad spelling and all- this was right after I had closed my LiveJournal account and decided to blog instead-- I still have issues talking to beautiful women in the club- but only if they are with other men and their tongues are intertwined- now I just try to treat them like people and it all works fine.

There's nothing better than watching beautiful people dancing except dancing with the beautiful people. Tammy, Stephan and I had a wicked night at Circus with DJ Nivoc, except I smoked too much -got tired around 8 AM and lost the beat.

Too many single guys at Circus- had way more fun at Stereo last week.I also end up not talking to anyone new when I'm there--is it my lack of French? What's wrong with me- still feel out of place in that scene?

Saw the most beautiful woman- she looked like Alanis Morissette except more glamorous... she was with a Latin guy who had hair just like mine, before I got it caught. She danced with me for an hour- and I didn't even ask her name.

What is the correct social convention for that?? I don't know... dancing is one hting and flirting is another.

Did I used to think Alanis was hot? I guess so!
So, four years gone and I barely have enough to make a chap book out of. No more breaks for me!

Thank you all!

Julia Bonk is our official HotPerson

Maybe this will help- hopefully she'll have more photos on-line in the future, but we are going to adopt Julia Bonk, the then 18 year old Parliamentarian from Germany, as the Bliss' official HotPerson.

Her official write up, translated from German-

With their straight times (wow- Babelfish is still in Beta...) 18 years Julia is the youngest candidate to the election of the federal parliament and starts fully through. The former national pupil spokeswoman demands fewer school locking and a socially fairer school as much as more financial support for youth clubs in Saxonia. "young people cannot be always first, those with household negotiations in the back down fall!", she means. You are important that delegates see their task also outside of the parliament and with initiatives and federations together to work closely. It wants to give to young humans in politics a voice and therefore stands as a candidate to Julia, non-party, on the list of the Party of Democratic Socialism to the elections of the federal parliament.

Julia, welcome to the blog that will pander for pills. I don't want to be the one who breaks it to Lindsey Lohan...

Bad art projects

An empty lot on Parc Ave. above Sherbrooke

I was thinking as a photo project it would be interesting to go around town and take photos of the places and apartments I have had sex in and then post them online with a brief description and then an overlay to Google maps or some such.

And then my friend joked that you could give out audio tapes and make it into a walking tour of Montreal. But this seemed like taking the idea a bit too far... but it might be fun to see tourists reactions!

OMG- do you know it is Wednesday??

Basil- when and why did you call my cell phone? are u insane? do you know what day it is? It is WEDNESDAY the day of sleeping in and being extremely hungover! did u not read my facebook events for yesterday? I was at MELANIE'S birthday party at McLean's- then at Salone Daome- where i caught a chair with MY HAND and broke or sprained or horribly disfigured my thumb and i have no idea why I am even trying to type with this swollen and bruised monstrous limb.

and I am blaming YOU! yes- I know you weren't there or anything or that you are pretty innocent in general but you were the one who called me and left messages on my cell phone and then the little fucking thing was BEEPING for hours this morning while I was trying to sleep off this HORRIBLE hangover---

GOD- I got some fucking fat chick's phone number last night- what a fucking mess...

I may need you to come over and help me set up a wireless bridge over here for the kids on the other side of the apartment.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MAYBE" attend my housewarming- god- don't make me beg you.. and bring some single women this time that DON'T charge for sex... what are married buddies for except to attract single women and pawn them off on their older, wiser, more available buddies.

Passive Agressive?

Does anyone think it strange that my female roommate has both a whistle and a 3 inch long blade knife on her key chain?

One item saying don't fuck with me, the other a safety measure?

Or maybe the pen knife is just for cutting apples at break and the whistle is for hailing cabs...who knows?

Time to get Interactive

I need some reader help by calling on the vast knowledge base that my audience represents- I am curious to know what may be the significance of a woman wearing a traditional "mom" heart tattoo with a pencil stuck through it- not like a regular pencil you use at school, but the short kind that comes with boardgames or you use to order in a sushi restaurant. The type with no eraser.

Any sites you could point me towards or personal stories...I'll tell you why once I have an interesting story to tell and maybe prove/disprove any answers I get here!

Many thanks- more later!

There should be a law.

As part of my continuing scrutiny of all things bizarre and slightly offensive to my view of the world, I bring you these two tidbits from the last twenty four hours:

"I'm in the Arts, too- I'm an animator for video games"

-which, despite my high regard for people who do such work, is not, yet, an Art with a capital "A." I'm sorry, it just isn't. I know the video game industry employs more people and makes more money than film in North America, but reallllllyyy-no.

Next- the phone call:
*RING RING*

me-"Hello?"

young woman on phone-"Is Alicia there?"

me-"No, she's moved out.'

her-"Well thanks for telling me!!" (annoyed tone changes this from a thank you to a sarcastic bitchy thing...)

me-"I would have told you sooner but I don't know you."

Enjoy your weekend!

Weddings and Toothaches

One of my oldest friends from Halifax has an excellent blog that I don't read enough- Weddings and Toothaches- a mix of normal blog stuff like Thai hippos eating dwarves and stuff, and excellent recipes from her experiences as a chef (She made that ballerina cake! Wow!)

Blogging, biking and group thought

Why is it that when the whole discussion of transportation comes to the blog sphere I always hear unanimous approval and support for bicycles and bike lanes in Montreal? This link from the Montreal Metroblog is a case in point- the city is finally going to link downtown to Westmount- but at what expense to the taxpayer?



I don't agree wholeheartedly that cyclists should get more lanes until their numbers start following the rules of the road a bit better. Like, all the rules- wearing helmets, coming to full stops OUTSIDE of the crosswalks- like back three feet where that THICK WHITE LINE IS YOU STINKING HIPPY. Not riding the wrong way down one way streets- crap like that.

But anyway... what percentage of bloggers are bicyclists? How about video game designers? Professional PHP or PCP or WTF programmers? Why is everyone all up about Net-freedom? Hasn't anyone heard of Homeland Security? (LOL)

Am I just sampling blogs that I think will agree [or will be likely to agree] with my own personal world view or is there really a lack of diversity in the blog sphere, here and outside of Montreal.

If I ever actually get to one of these YULblog things I might suggest to some of my friends we each go out and try to find ONE Montreal blogger who holds radically different opinions than we/they do- then invite them as our guest to the next one, intro them around to the room and see the fireworks go off.

(note the new tags- I'll be writing a lot on hyperreality and postmodernity over the next couple of weeks since I just loaded the correct spelling into my Firefox dictionary)