Yes- it hurts

Ok- I had promised that there would be no more song lyrics- so I guess I'll actually have to write something here instead of continuing to break numerous copyright laws.

I had my monthly visit from my ex this week as she was in the midst of what appears to be a break up or a failed fling. She was a bit distraught, a bit drunk and a bit missing me. And a bit down on herself for the way her life's been going these past months.

And yes, I do realize that not all things have to do with me or with our break up.

So we talked and cried and had breakfast the next day and she left smiling and I felt good that we could communicate without hurting each other- even though she told me some things that she had done during our relationship that would have hurt me before- they only stunned me this time.

(I had suspected.)

So I guess I'm getting emotionally ready to move on and away from this and still keep my best friend in some way. That huge sense of loss I felt here is down to a size I can deal with a lot better.

A Dream About You

Keri Noble
I had a dream about you last night
I dreamed that you were dead
When I woke up I wanted to call
And get it out of my head
But we don't talk anymore
I made sure of that
But I'd give anything to hear your voice
I would do better if I could go back
I'm sorry for your tears
I'm sorry I never told you in all of these years
I didn't leave you like I should
I hope you found someone to love you like I tried to
But never could

I always knew that it wasn't right
To get involved with you
But I never thought that you would fall so fast
Got me to thinkin', “what the hell am I gonna do?”
But now you seem like you're fine
Like you've moved on with your life
But I'd give anything to talk to you
And tell you I know I didn't treat you right

You live and you learn
You build and sometimes you just watch it all burn

I had a dream about you last night
I dreamed that you were dead

bell hooks

As part of my coping with this latest (and most traumatic) failed relationship I've been doing some soul searching that involves a lot of talking and lots of reading. The first book suggested to me was, unfortunately, a flaky spiritual text by one "Dr." Wayne Dyer, called The Sacred Self. (Note to readers of self-help books, if the copyright notice doesn't have their title in it, then they probably aren't a doctor except maybe in their publishers' minds...)

UPDATE- Dr. Dyer does have an Ed.D from Wayne State University. His "people" emailed me from the Emirates Bank International- I'm sure their lawyers would have followed if I didn't correct my oversight. Snarky comments will not be published, BTW.

Not being a fan of dualism (or of books laced with whole sections in point form)- I was steered towards The Will to Change- Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks. If you read the link, hooks is an African-American feminist with some real teeth. She thinks feminism has become too academic, that the movement hasn't gotten back out to the community- go have a read.

In Will to Change she talks about the patriarchy and how it affects men. How it robs us of our emotional lives and sets us against the women in our lives. One of the striking sections that hit me like a hammer was this one, about a former partner of hers that had changed from a loving partner into an emotional abusive and foreign male- and (as she perceives it) the reasons behind it:

In the early years of our relationship he was extremely critical of male domination of women and children. Although he did not use the word "patriarchy," he understood its meaning and he opposed it. His gentle, quiet manner often lead folks to ignore him, counting him among the weak and powerless. By the age of thirty he began to assume a more macho persona, embracing the dominator model that he had once critiqued. Donning the mantle of patriarch, he gained greater respect and visibility. More women were drawn to him. He was noticed more in public spheres...

These changes in his thinking and behavior were triggered by his desire to be accepted and affirmed in a patriarchal workplace and rationalized by his desire to get ahead. His story is not unusual. Boys brutalized and victimized by patriarchy more often than not become patriarchal, embodying the abusive patriarchal masculinity that they once clearly recognized as evil. Few men brutally abused as boys in the name of patriarchal maleness courageously resist the brainwashing and remain true to themselves. Most males conform to patriarchy in one way or another.

While I was home my parents gave me a large copy of my graduation photo that they had made for me. As an eighteen year old there was a soft warmness in my eyes, an openness across my shoulders- relaxed. Now there is sarcastic hardness written across my face, I hold my body rigid and defensive. Afraid of someone taunting the gentle little loving boy that I miss so much- I hold up this barrier that is suffocating the things I used to hold dear about myself.

My intellect is a weapon instead of a strength. I'm physically repulsed by males i view as stronger or bigger than me- I typecast them as meatheads and make no effort to be nice to them. Somewhere inside I fear they will hit me. I flirt to gain constant reinforcement of my own desirability- but I fear being successful.

As I was leaving my dad gave me a big hug, teary eyed as he always is when I leave- and told me to go find that loving boy again- that he can be my ally and my strength. And I cried, too- and I will.