Flashback

Day one in Saint John- dreams

I dreamt my love was married and living next door to me with her husband and daughter, Jessica. I, too, had had a child with her-a son, who lived alone with me.

Tracks in the snow of my front yard- a feeling of youth- boundless parental love for both the children.

Jessica is playing with her half brother in the sun room- hard winter light blazing in off the white drifts outside. I notice she has stolen one of my cigarettes and is mock smoking it, unlit. I confront her and she looks up from her crayons and doodles. Her face is painted like a model's- even though I sense in the dream that she is pehaps five. This scares me beyond any horror movie villian's mishapen form.

I wake up- my parents are are sitting in the computer room playing on-line word games- the room is choking with cigarette smoke. I want to get my laundry started but they won't let their thirty year old sonuse thier machines. I argue with my mother about what deteregent to use- she insists on using the powder with bleach in it- all my clothes are dark. And she is insisting I wash in warm water, not cold, as the hard country water does not "suds up".

We relive our teenage parent roles just long enough to make me feel powerless and her upset almost to the point of tears. Am I mad at her about the laundry?

No- I'm mad at them for wasting away. They remind me of my last three months of unemployment.

"What do you do all day?" my love asked. Screaming, crying- tearing my soul out- fingering the damaged spot inside of me so I have to look at. To acknowledge it.

My parents are waiting to die. I'm trying to wake up.