UPDATE- Dr. Dyer does have an Ed.D from Wayne State University. His "people" emailed me from the Emirates Bank International- I'm sure their lawyers would have followed if I didn't correct my oversight. Snarky comments will not be published, BTW.
Not being a fan of dualism (or of books laced with whole sections in point form)- I was steered towards The Will to Change- Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks. If you read the link, hooks is an African-American feminist with some real teeth. She thinks feminism has become too academic, that the movement hasn't gotten back out to the community- go have a read.
In Will to Change she talks about the patriarchy and how it affects men. How it robs us of our emotional lives and sets us against the women in our lives. One of the striking sections that hit me like a hammer was this one, about a former partner of hers that had changed from a loving partner into an emotional abusive and foreign male- and (as she perceives it) the reasons behind it:
In the early years of our relationship he was extremely critical of male domination of women and children. Although he did not use the word "patriarchy," he understood its meaning and he opposed it. His gentle, quiet manner often lead folks to ignore him, counting him among the weak and powerless. By the age of thirty he began to assume a more macho persona, embracing the dominator model that he had once critiqued. Donning the mantle of patriarch, he gained greater respect and visibility. More women were drawn to him. He was noticed more in public spheres...
These changes in his thinking and behavior were triggered by his desire to be accepted and affirmed in a patriarchal workplace and rationalized by his desire to get ahead. His story is not unusual. Boys brutalized and victimized by patriarchy more often than not become patriarchal, embodying the abusive patriarchal masculinity that they once clearly recognized as evil. Few men brutally abused as boys in the name of patriarchal maleness courageously resist the brainwashing and remain true to themselves. Most males conform to patriarchy in one way or another.
While I was home my parents gave me a large copy of my graduation photo that they had made for me. As an eighteen year old there was a soft warmness in my eyes, an openness across my shoulders- relaxed. Now there is sarcastic hardness written across my face, I hold my body rigid and defensive. Afraid of someone taunting the gentle little loving boy that I miss so much- I hold up this barrier that is suffocating the things I used to hold dear about myself.
My intellect is a weapon instead of a strength. I'm physically repulsed by males i view as stronger or bigger than me- I typecast them as meatheads and make no effort to be nice to them. Somewhere inside I fear they will hit me. I flirt to gain constant reinforcement of my own desirability- but I fear being successful.
As I was leaving my dad gave me a big hug, teary eyed as he always is when I leave- and told me to go find that loving boy again- that he can be my ally and my strength. And I cried, too- and I will.
