Pope Pope Pope Pope Pope Pope: A brief guide to everything Pope-like and somewhat holy-

Or- more aptly:

"A Brief Guide to a Caretaker Pope whom Everyone Could Agree Upon Until Enough Conservative Conclave Members Die off so We Can Save the Church from Itself by Removing Its Holy Head from Its Holy Arse."

From Wikipedia with some editting by moi:

"His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, officially (in Latin) Benedictus XVI, born Joseph Alois Ratzinger (Latin: Iosephus Ratzinger) (April 16, 1927), was elected Pope of the Roman Catholic Church on April 19, 2005. As such, he is Bishop of Rome, Sovereign of the Vatican City State and head of the Roman Catholic Church, including the Eastern Rite Churches in communion with the Holy See. He will be formally installed as pontiff during the Mass of Papal Installation on April 24, 2005. (Jesus- what kind of scenester will you have to be to get tickets to that?)

Hey! If the hat fits, wear it :)

At 78 years of age, he is the oldest pope elected since Pope Clement XII in 1730, and is the first German pope since Adrian VI (1522–1523) who was both German and Dutch because he lived in what is now the Netherlands (boring, exhasutive details- THANKS!!), which was a conglomerate of German provinces at the time of his papacy. Benedict is the 8th German pope in history; the first was Gregory V. The last Benedict, Benedict XV, served as pontiff from 1914 to 1922 and thus reigned during World War I. (And it was ALL HIS FAULT, BTW!)

He was appointed prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith by Pope John Paul II in 1981, made a Cardinal Bishop of the episcopal see of Velletri-Segni in 1993, and was elected Dean of the College of Cardinals in 2002, becoming titular bishop of Ostia.(Yes- it is two links- here is a condensed read....) He was already one of the most influential men in the Vatican and a close associate of the late John Paul II (some would say bossom buddies, if not for the whole homo-erotic undertones of men of the cloth [with big hats] patting each other on the ass after making free throws...wait- wrong film...) before he became pope. He also presided over the funeral of John Paul II and the Conclave in 2005 which elected him (say it with me dear readers- vote rigging and influence peddling). During the most recent sede vacante (sounds kinky- like Hedonism but better), he was the highest-ranking official in the Catholic Church.

"Damn it, Jesus- this one is for your remains for FUCK's SAKE!"

Some see Benedict as a traditionalist, others as merely orthodox (unfortunately- I beleive he is "merely orthodox" in the truest sense of the phrase- he holds all of the proper opinions and moral values any good Catholic should have), but almost all observers agree that he is a staunch defender of Catholic doctrine. He is a critic of homosexuality, same-sex marriage, and abortion and has spoken about the unique role of the Catholic Church in salvation (I'm vechlempt all over here, hat boy...) and has called all other Christian churches and ecclesial communities deficient(BURN!). As a Cardinal, he wrote Truth and Tolerance, a book in which he denounces the use of tolerance as an excuse to distort the truth. Benedict also participated as a priest in the Second Vatican Council and has continued to defend the council, including Nostra Aetate, the document on respect of other religions and the declaration of the right to religious freedom. He was viewed during the time of the council as a liberal. As the Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Benedict most clearly spelled out the Catholic Church's position on other religions in the document Dominus Iesus which also talks about the proper way to engage in ecumenical dialogue.